The Return

6-2014
The Barrier of Overwhelm

If the horizon is not in sight anymore because there is too much on the table to do. Too many tasks no one can ever fulfill.
I loose the vision. Life looses its goal. And I ask myself the question “Is living an aimless life reason enough for suicide ?”.

9-2014
The return to the dark side

After I decided, that the lesson with Depression was learnt (one year after I admitted to it) watching the wave rolling in from a distance, rather than being tumbled in it, felt quite empowering.
I would see the symptoms approach and be able to counteract. Like being drawn to addictive behavior or substances – that spans from coffee and computer gaming to alcohol and more. The seeked outcome was fleeing a situation.
My next sign would be memory issues. As I couldn’t ‘hold it together’ on an organisational level with jobs piling up at my desk. Forgetting things didn’t help at all. Except that memory problems is the clearest pointer for me now that I am on my way to the dark side again.
And initially it doesn’t always have to be in my court. Some days are energetically charged with challenge and when I am not aware of it this energy will throw me around big time.
Speak to other humans about how they are and get confirmation on your gut feeling that ‘it is hard at the moment’. Then make your choice of continuing to push or to make a change in your pace. To renegotiate some arrangements or even cancel an appointment or two.
People will not be upset, as they very likely have the same going on. And if they choose to be upset this is their choice, not your doing.

Listen to the signs. Depression is just one of them, maybe one of the stronger kind, yet still it is a sign saying ‘something is not working’ is out of balance.
And it is ME who has to act on these signs and make the change.
-> Dr Gabor Maté

10-2014
Sitting on a rock in the river

With heavy thoughts in my head and everything becomes dark and heavy and impossible. One dark thought feeds of each other and they all feast on my energy.
There is no solution the head can come up with to solve any of these issues, which are very real and relevant, for me. A shift needs to happen. Either physical or mental. I need to create some light in my life here and now.

4-2015

The fear gets fed only when I am by myself with thought. I am strong with others, in conversation and exchange.