Run, Hide … Live

I was observing the Shadow creeping into my life. Every day, more and more.
It was an image of a slight darkness coming in from the side. A little more the next day and the next. And I just couldn’t ignore it away !
Until it was underlining the whole picture; like a foundation. A black basis on which my day, my life is based upon. Everything had a sad by-flavour.

With the realisation of ‘it’ arriving again.
In my head was “OK, another depressive episode – let’s get it over and done with.”
And in my body was ANGER. I was fucking PISSED OFF with it.
So I ventured out on my first conscious self destruction. With my usual addictive habits already exhausted (and not satisfying) I chose to hit the booze as if it was going out of fashion.
In the moment it felt like a suicide attempt. Doing something to myself to feel anything !

Next morning getting up to make coffee, breakfast, fix lunch for the kids … then back to bed. Not due to a hangover, but because it was a curl-up-under-the-blanket-and-sleep day.
For a change this time I stayed in bed. All day. And it was the best thing I have done since journeying with Depression.
Giving myself permission to do absolutely nothing was bliss.
Letting others take on the daily obligations made me feel light.
Not taking on any responsibilities or decisions was healing.
I just laid and slept and dozed and slept some more.
And I gave it some good thought on what is weighting me down when I get to this point.
The answers were not new, yet I never obeyed them. I always got up and did what ‘needed to be done’. Fulfilled my duty to family, friends, work, organisation …

When I woke up the day after it happened with clarity and ease.
I always knew it in my head and never followed through with it. Now it seemed an easy task to de-clutter my life, as I didn’t feel any attachment to Stuff I do because I always did it or who else could possibly do that instead.